They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
