dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
People in love make me want to vomit
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
