It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
