see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
