I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
is wine microwaveable?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
