we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize