I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
