Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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