some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
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