Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
