You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I've blown a few things in my day
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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