I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
