This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
