About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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