I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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