I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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