toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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