A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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