she woke up with a sticky ear
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
