My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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