Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
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