we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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