Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
