i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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