My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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