not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
