She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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