He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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