Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Mom said you looked used
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
