We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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