pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
