Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
