i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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