Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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