She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
