don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
