he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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