Have you finally orgasmed yet?
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
