Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
