.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
