My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
