In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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