i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
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