There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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