Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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