Pants 0. Shit 1.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
