she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I have already put on my inside pants.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
