I cannot find my penis.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
