I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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