she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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