i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
