My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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