It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
