i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize
