I am in a vortex of obligation.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
