forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
