Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
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