just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize